How to Escape the Friendzone

#1 — Know what you want — The first thing you have to make clear in your head is what do you want from a partner?

Not just what you want from them, but what are the specific things you are looking for. Be detailed and do not be afraid to dream big.

The clearer you are before you meet anyone the less likely it will be you ever get dropped in the friendzone!

What are some characteristics you are looking for that are “must have”, what are those that are “must not have” and what are those that are “okay to have x of”?

Yes, this will make you very demanding, but the point is that you become aware of what you will and will not accept, which allows you to place certain Standards.

#2 — Place certain standards — The biggest reason you are in the friendzone is because you do not have any expectations of them, which will change once you are together with them.

Think about it, right now you are answering them right away, showing up whenever you can, and you are simply there without expecting anything in return!And they know fully well that this will change if they go out with you.

Suddenly this unconditional love you gave them turned into one where you expect them to give you something back, such as love, time and energy. But this only happens once they date you, before then, you are unconditionally on their side.

It’s so bad that you even allow them to trample all over you. Who would want that kind of a person as a reliable partner?

When you set standards you honor your own time. There should be a line where you will drop them. If they never hang out when you want to or if you are getting stood up, then you should consider saying “This is it.”

Make a clear line, tell them about that line, and forget them should they overstep it. This makes you far more attractive because you know what you want, but it also makes it more likely that they will respect you, not trample over you and find you reliable enough to give them the support they are looking for.

#3 — Be direct and honest — Give them that line and let them know exactly what you want as soon as possible.

Most often the problems arise from not talking to the other person. Maybe they like you already, maybe they are looking for something different, or maybe they didn’t realize how you felt and would have acted differently.

You haven’t done this yet because you are not even sure about what you want and what your own rules are, that is why it is important to figure those out first and then relay them to the other person.

You might not have to give them the full run-down all at once, but at least let them know what is okay and what isn’t, as well as what you want.

This makes you a lot harder to get, which makes them think there is more to you than meets the eye.

#4 — Do not play hard to get, be hard to get — When you know your standards, know what you want, and are willing to fight for what you want, you will be able to say “No” and have other things to do.

Think about it from their point of view: They want someone that makes them feel secure, loved and supported… but how can you give that to them if you drop everything for them right away?

Yes, it may make them feel good in the moment, but what it also shows them is that you would lose your job just to make them happy… and that does not give them security.

You have to be able to live your own life and be independent, otherwise you will just be a big child that they have to take care of!

Make the choices of where to go, tell them when you can and cannot meet up, and get busy living your own life so that it is not that easy to have you! That will make you more of luxury item than a commodity that everyone can have!

#5 — Do not depend on them to be happy — When you depend on them to be happy you are turning into a big, fat leech.

You lose all your value and become a burden rather than an asset! I mean, isn’t it difficult enough for us to be happy just taking care of ourselves? Why do you think anyone would want to take care of another person and make them happy?

Even children do their own things to be happy without relying on others!

Make sure you have your own life largely in order and are on your way to living the best life you can and take them with you! Do not make your life dependent on one another, but rather live an amazing life and show them that amazing life!

Become less dependent on them and you have more control over what to do with and about them.

Following just these 5 steps is enough to get you out of almost any friendzone, without even involving them in it.

Obviously, there are some people that will still friendzone you simply because you are not their type, but often this would be made so clear that it wouldn’t count as a true “friendzoning”.

Often the friendzone is this thin line that they do not want to cross. There is some attraction, but not enough to warrant a relationship. The process described above is specifically for those scenarios to push them over the edge and cross that line into dating.

Everything else is up to you!



Life Coach, Speaker, Writer. Published on TIME, Inc & Huffington Post.

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Lukas Schwekendiek

Life Coach, Speaker, Writer. Published on TIME, Inc & Huffington Post.